how to rob


Golden Rule: don’t get caught. If you however get entangled in the tentacles of the law ask yourself; why buy a lawyer when you can buy the judge. Always have it such that your victims and beneficiaries have no ill will against you. Employ charm and appeal to their instinct of championing for the underdog. Against this backdrop, my mind reels in the greatest bank heist in the history of this country in my humble opinion. It was reported how a gang held up a bank and its clients emptying the safe as well as pockets. This they did engaging their fortunate or not so fortunate clientele in Christian hymns. As the day’s job wound up they gave back ‘bus fares’, a noble act with a touch of humour and irony.

I have always been fascinated by what society calls outlaws mostly the smart ones. My free analysis of the Godfather phenomenon; besides being about criminal activity and family, at its core it is an examination of capitalism. This is the real organised crime with the tag line running at ‘am not a gangster, am a businessman’. You all know the greatest mob – the Almighty Corporate United States of America. All you need is a closer and critical look

However, we won’t dwell on that, not today. We’ve heard of the phrase ‘think globally act locally’; any 8-4-4 teacher worth their salary should have mentioned this in one or more of their classes. Whether it was a genuine education or impression is not in question. Let’s get on to business. I’ll float around a few ideas. Politics rushes quickly to the fore but we’ll ignore that. Why not sponsor a politician such that they are beholden to you once in office and your interests shall be entwined. Have something on them anyway as security or insurance since they are a slippery lot. This is a late stage play ‘first, you get the money’.

Which are the big money makers? The overheads and operational costs have to be at a minimum. Think big; the law encourages this. ‘Hijacking’* neighbours chicken vis-à-vis Goldenberg scandal. (I can’t say ‘kidnapping’* or can I?). While we are still on that subject, some fellows at a prestigious university decided to detain their classmates for cash from their well to do kin. They had an idea – give them that Robin Hood. Apologies to the families affected

What’s legal or illegal is a grey area. Alcohol used to be illegal in (U.S) America once and breaking this law made quite a number of people wealthy. Imagining the death of a president in Kenya was treason. Industries such as banking and insurance have endless cash flow streaming in if you own one that is. Pharmaceuticals too are raking in the ‘bucks’ as they are called. With all that pollution going on why would you expect them to kill the proverbial goose-that-lays-golden-eggs by signing the Kyoto Protocol? Similarly, being a signatory to the Rome Statute is bad for business – the defence budget… Sh*et! Said I wasn’t gonna talk about it

I have always advised my cousins that the best places to invest in are those to do with human basic needs; food, clothing and shelter. Business opportunities abound also in human emotion. You need to study Marslow’s hierarchy of needs and know how to apply it to your ends.

The prize for me however is the government. Let’s first take a quick detour through the NGO business. It requires the art of the con and the heart to make profit out of the misery of others. Well, you could think am talking about the church. I am not. A matter of semantics; for example compare and contrast donations to offertory.  On second thought, at Tax exempt! Maybe I am. It could be the greatest gig yet

Talking of government business, let’s talk tenders and auctions and ‘facilitation’ fees. Meanwhile as you plot you could adopt a ‘godfather’ or ‘godmother’ and align yourself to the realities of the political climate. Money talks but your ethnicity is an added advantage or disadvantage – it depends. You could opt to fill the vacancy of boot licker and senior sycophant. A cheer leader launching merciless vitriolic attacks on your tribal chieftain

I am a civil servant a.k.a civil ‘sufferer’. I came to terms with my lot in life. In that, due to circumstances beyond my control, it shall never be ‘our turn to eat’ you see. What I can get from my ‘service to the nation’ I exploit without remorse. Time is all I shall get to embezzle. Let the head of civil service issue as many directives as he/she can. Sir/madam what you call ‘official working hours’ are ‘your’ official working hours. ‘My’ official working hours are 0900 – 1600 hrs. That’s a very long day. The mid-morning tea break is 1000 – 1100 hrs. May I bring it to your attention that I am informing, not asking (still, pray you never get to read this, no snitch). We’ll break for lunch from 1200 – 1400 hrs. Please note the time is not fixed and off-days and half-days may be taken without prior notice.

We’ll get back to this later.


The above is not a confession neither is it an admission of guilt nor a conspiracy to commit/ induce criminal activity. I implore your honours to decline this as evidence.  This is a work of fiction and the author shall bear no responsibility if it is cited in defence of actions by individuals or institutions. Names, places or incidences mentioned are purely coincidental


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