heart of the city

nairobi is… stuffy. like all cities. i miss the outdoors, even the back breaking work. the weather is getting to me. kenyan winter. i run out of sleep and decide to take a walk around the estate. i find myself by the highway and imagine myself heading to exotic destinations. immersed in thought wallowing in myself i hear my name. its a friend we attended campus with. exchange pleasantries and hold out on complimenting the lady on his arm. i dont think thats his sister.

he’ll make me want to buy a t.v set. it feels good being stopped by a media personality. we have nothing much to say. otherwise i’ll betray jordo thinking; why did it suddenly get colder. it could be a good idea to get married . i wouldn’t have to plan what to eat & when…

baadae. catch you later.

since i came back to this… this city i’ve been fighting not to make ‘that’ call. hugging myself, shaking uncontrollably and rocking about mumbling “i will not call! i will not call!” makes me feel like an heroin addict. well, am exaggerating but picture – needless push-ups, reading ‘the new statesman’ or trying to,… effin afternoon naps, switching the phone off and on again, to mention a few; and thats saying alot.

sunday afternoon is family time, preparation for the-week-ahead time and ‘quality time’ time, and who wants ‘akufukuzae-hakuambii-toka’ looks or treatment. i thank god for ego and carry my own cross. i kick out the derailing argument, ‘ata yesu alisaidiwa’. even jesus was helped. to carry his cross. ‘shindwo’!

<useless information you can skip>
not to justify or rationalise , analyze this : (courtesy of google and wikipedia) dopamine,  norepinephrine, phenylethylamine. and ‘in’ love. dopamine  is the “pleasure chemical,” producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. surprise surprise – men more readily produce it than women. functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine — associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction.

various addictive drugs produce an increase in reward-related dopamine activity. addictive drugs such as alcohol or heroin; activation of the reward system may play only a minor role in addiction, with suppression of suffering being the dominant mechanism. other drugs, like nicotine, cocaine and methamphetamine, enhancement of dopamine activity is a primary factor. addicts in withdrawal do not experience the physical suffering associated with alcohol or opiates; instead they experience apathy, boredom, restlessness, and most importantly an overwhelming urge to consume more of the drug.

If consumption levels become very high, the ability of the body to regulate dopamine may be compromised, producing erratic behavior  😀  ….

 Treatment of stimulant addiction is very difficult, because even if consumption ceases, the urge to consume takes a long time to decrease, and even when apparently gone can reappear unexpectedly if a person is placed in a situation that is mentally associated with drug use.

haven’t gotten desperate enough to write to a lonely heart column or join ‘afrointroduction.com’ programme. after spraining my left ankle running away from my phone. i have to massage my foot. almost sounds rude. my shoulder hurts too.

the girl i would have called is today married – happily – with kids. that statement is quite loaded, but you get me. hmm. intoxicated on ‘sauti’ before they lost ‘sol’ i once said to her ‘ sina mengi ni mimi tu’. (i dont have much, only myself). more truthful than romantic, i was. i wonder what it cost me. okay, moving on; the one i should have called told me before we parted amicably, that i ‘asked for too much… emotionally and psychologically’.

yeah, ‘sina mengi nina mashairi’. (i dont have much, i have (my) poems). back where i started.  a certain writer said, ‘fame is disguised love’. as with this blog, i can relate to the ‘seeking love’ adverts. i am an artist.

hello, ‘caravan of dreams!’ ‘say good night’, world…


2 thoughts on “heart of the city

  1. Ah yes, the joys of addiction, Jodo. Fear not, this too shall pass, or so they say, although your ‘useless information’ (nice!) states that “even if consumption ceases, the urge to consume takes a long time to decrease…”. What I’m trying to say is that you’re a bit screwed, for the foreseeable future. Pole boss… 🙂

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