dear mr. president

President of Kenya, EGH,

http, cba, kcc, k24, kicc

tna, iebc, etc

‘Dear’; ref. cost not affection. You know with the taxes, inflation and all … I mean I should ‘Mr. Price’ your Excellency. I have no axes to grind with you or your governance and in any case somebody bought them all. Anyway protocol observed. Humbly, may I request you to rescue a few persons of interest, citizens of Kenya. I am asking on their behalf out of goodwill. It is not my place to speak. Being a foreigner, do not deport me to Kano of Nigeria. The fertilized land Kano of Kisumo CountRy is better and I promise not to kidnap the boat hired during the flood.

See, I have to commend you for your hundred days in office. In this period you have managed on two different dates to get into my dreams! No other president ‘alleged’, ‘rigged’ or otherwise has achieved this feat, ever! The only president indicted into the ICC hall of fame (not counting Al Bashir or George Bush due to a technicality). Loved how you shimmied the integrity clause in the constitution. Congratulations on your selection for the Hague Marathon during the trials. You have an able running mate in the deputy president prime minister… deputy prime president minister – this is confusing. He is a pedigree of world champions, he hails from the gold medal laden rift valley votes. However, of late he appears lost

There is still room for improvement i.e. in the corruption index. Position four is unacceptable for our standards. A civil servant, I can attest to the quality and work ethic within our bureaucracy. This transparency international is from the west and a second opinion should be considered from our new ‘bff’ China.

I nearly forgot. Nice ties and marching suits and shirts. I particularly liked the folded shirts and swearing in with wife holding the bible, that whole Obama vibe, yeah? The informality, jesting and crying is also inclusive. The walking arm in arm was so sweet and gay it had me fawning (Clarification- the old/ analog ‘gay’).  Get your TNA PR machinery to work on capturing you working up a sweat in a game of touch rugby. Sometimes it seems like you are still campaigning for the presidency, that aside. This wouldn’t work with the teachers but next time there are disagreements invite the parties to a Tusker sit-down (brand Kenya, remember). It’s African! Nothing too extreme, we need you to run the country not run away from it.

“it won’t add food to my table!”, is a famous Kenyan retort am sure you’ve heard it. Frankly, I think it’s a stupid way of thinking but you can use it to your advantage. You can play around with the size of the plate. Sema, “eureka!” one stone for two birds: devolution and revolution. It is cheaper to ‘give the people what they want’ but you need the money to buy laptops (and milk, and land and __________ am just jealous & bitter ) I understand, tax away.  Wisdom is; a hungry man is an angry man.

In your government’s reading list is the book ‘how to lose friends and alienate people’. I also suspect a heavy reliance on your godfather coupled to being your father’s son it seems you are not your own man.  I am but a writer of letters not statements.  So far, only two people really read my blog they could be more but not enough to warrant a serious crime… erm, unit… ahh summons. I believe, ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ but that does not constitute a coup attempt. It is only logical to arm yourself but your fight is not against ‘(ma)shetani’ . In any case, flee from the devil and the devil flees from you.

The gun may be mightier than the sword but it won’t do. The fight is with and within yourself against your own internal daemons.

The former president of Kenya used to see “binadamu ya mavi ya kuku” (chicken shit human), “bure” (useless) and “bure kabisa” (very useless) people. It is quite a contrast; you are a religious/ god-fearing leader by virtue of seeing spirits which is a special gift if not a mental health issue. Upon your ascendancy to the presidency a prominent man of God declared that it was by divine anointment. I had misgivings but, “Yes”, “I believe”, and “God works in miraculous ways!” Amen. Dear Mister President of Kenya it is understated that somebody’s hurting, how about an ointment divine – “More wine!”


Linguists, what is the root word for devolution? Its Devil, donge? riswa! pepo…. shindwa!! i command you kwa jina la….

What the hell, who cares


2 thoughts on “dear mr. president

  1. Jodo, just in case you’re not here the next time I pitia, having been summoned and all (ha!), let me just say that this was quite brilliant, if a little angry (anger is good no?).

    My only point of correction: the digital bromance didn’t get us to number 4 on that list, we did that all by ourselves. That said, they seem to be working very hard to get us higher up (again, with our help), let’s wait and see…

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